Nov 27, 2011

With every great defeat, there are even greater excuses!

So, to the disapointment to my adoring fans, those who heard the echoing claims of a 5k run in under 21 minutes, I regret to inform you all that the feat was not accomplished.  Not only was it not accomplished, but it was greatly missed, with a time that was worst than the previous year's.  My final time was a paltry 24 minutes and 20 seconds.  Comparing this time to the average time of 32 minutes, it appears to be rather satisfactory on paper.  However, there are many factors to consider to conduct the reasoning for why why that is an unsatisfactory time on every account.  

Firstly, a year ago, I managed to squeek in under 24 minutes, finishing in 23 minutes and 55 seconds.  Typically, one expects to improve, especially after they've been training!  Which brings us to point number 2!  For the past 6 weeks, I've been utilizing a recently acquired gym membership.  Now, this isn't to say that I've been specifially training for this 5k run, but I do warm up with a 1 mile jog before hulking the iron.  So, this preparation alone acted as enough reason for me to believe that i was more than equipped to accomplish my announced target time, or even beat my time from the previous year.

But even with all these reasons backing up my theory, that I would accomplish a 5k run in less than 21 minutes, I was still significantly over bloated with excess minutes swelling my final time!

But, with every great defeat, there are even greater excuses!

Now, without even having to mention, there must have been distractors or obstacles to hinder the stated conquest.  and there were!  and we shall go over them incrementaly:

1. starting in the back - last year, i started the turkey trot up front.  What i recall is everyone passing me.  It appeared that everyone looking to finish the race in under 10 minutes wanted to start up front.  Where you start doesn't matter, as there is a chip placed somewhere on your person, that triggers the start and stop times when crossing the start and finish line.  So, in theory, it shouldn't have mattered where I started, because the time would have been accurate.  But in reality, it makes a big fucking difference where you start!  This year, i started in the back, thinking within the borders of the theory, that it wouldn't matter where i started.  But, apparently, by declaring your starting position in the back, you are declaring to join those who are not attempting to finish the race under 30 minutes! So once the race started, the back of the crowd of 3500 runners, slowly trickled through the first mile of the race, without dispensing smoothly. 

2.  Baby strollers - Baby strollers stuffed with babies do not belong in a turkey trot, or any other race.  I know that every over anxious parent gets a humorous tingling in their mind, thinking that it would be the cutest thing to remind the child for the rest of their lives, that when they were too young to remember or care, that they were involved with a dopey thing called a turkey trot.  A point needs to be declared: infants don't want to be in a turkey trot.  It is too chaotic and stressful for an infant to be surrounded by1000's of 150 pound bodies streaking past, just because of a couple ignominious parents wanted to be able to tell the humorous story 15 years from now, all at the expense of the infant's vulnerable flabby physique.  When starting from the back, the last thing you need are more obstacles to weave through.  But, this request didn't make it's way to these baby stroller renegades, looking to partake in a run where they don't belong!  The 2011 Turkey Trot had over 3500 runners.  With all these runners ducking and weaving through the crowds, fighting for the next open spot head of the pack, these foolish parents are unknowing putting their children in the risk of danger, all for the sake of a 5 minute, entertaining story at the turkey feast.  But let's make it clear.  It is a horrible decision to stroll through a 5k Turkey Trot with a baby stroller stuffed with babies.  A runner could easily misdodge a stroller, knocking out its contents, spilling them underneath the stampeding crowd of 3500 runners!  That would ruin everyone's Thanksgiving.

3.  Sweatshirts - I shouldn't have worn my sweatshirt.  I gunned through the first mile.  It was an amazing time.  I don't know the official time, but according to my math skills, it reigns in the 5 minute range.  But, after working so hard, weaving through the goddamn stollers, and every other bastard that wanted to wait in the very back and take their time finishing the race,  it became clear that the sweatshirt, which is ordinarily worn during the November weather, is not the recommended attire.  The sweatshirt was the biggest obstacle.  The slow runners were annoying, and the baby strollers were just frightening, but they were both at least tolerable. But the sweatshirt, insulating my body from exhausting the excess heat building up, was the biggest contributor to witholding me from by goal.  Starting with the 2nd mile, i could feel the heat building.  I pushed through (which was intensly hard), but managed to get to the 3rd mile.  But once I hit that 3rd mile, I had to walk.  The heat buildup was too much.  I thought I was going to faint!  And with either fainting or walking as my only 2 options, it was clear that walking was going to get me to the finish line faster than fainting.  I had to stop twice to walk, just to cool off.  This alone certainly cost me atleast a minute, which is why i attribute the sweatshirt as the largest malefactor for missing the desired time.  

So, rather than acheive a great time, I've accumulated a list of sound excuses for why I wasn't able to achieve the declared time.  Just to recap; starting from the back, the baby strollers, and the sweatshirts are the accumulation of losing 4 minutes in a turkey trot.  

So until Turkey Trot 2012, all i'll have are my excuses, rather than a great time.